It's been 2 months since she died. This is what I've learned so far -
1) It is totally ok to break down for 15 minutes - I mean sobbing, wailing, crying - and then go back to grading papers, making dinner or doing laundry.
2) While you are still sitting in grief - life has moved on - for most of the people around you. It doesn't mean they don't care - but life is for the living - and well, it's usually a good thing when people who are still alive keep living life.
3) A LOT of people will NEVER understand the pain you feel, some will admit that - and you'll appreciate that. Some people won't admit it - and well don't worry about them anyways.
4) Some people will ignore or not even ask about how you are anymore - cause your truth scares the hell out of them. Forgive them. Fear makes people do horrific things - think of all the horrible things human beings do to each other every day. Forgive them for avoidance is what we teach people nowadays.
5) Some people will gladly sit with you in your grief. They'll say your child's name. Others will avoid it like the plague. AGAIN - forgive them.
6) You will spend most days in a haze of sadness, weird intense joy, and then wanting to die. It's normal. Your kid died. And somehow we have to keep living....(more on this later)
7) You'll be scared to live. Like really - you'll be scared to enjoy yourself. That's normal too. But it is important to enjoy yourself. So try and do it.
Today I sat in silence and stared at the blue sky. I listened to birds chirping and the wind whipping through trees. And in that wind, she was there. And I said "Hi Alex!" Butterflies danced before me. This is the thought that went through my mind - "You can't die. You have to go on living. You've got more to do. You have to live while you can. That's what she did."
And then all at once I felt peace. And the anger still comes. It does. But now I weep for the memory. For the loss of her touch, her need of me.
But life moves on.
