A Letter to God...

Dear God,

I have questions for you. Many questions. Your creations like to dispel words of wisdom that they find in Your Holy Book, but I don't want what other humans can say - even if its inspired by Your Words. I want YOUR words. Not words that Your creations wrote down thousands of years ago.

You see, I think I feel a bit like You nowadays. You had to watch your Son die. I watched my daughter die. She was my creation, my Husband and I's creation that grew in my belly for 9 months. But she was born special. Whether or not that was Your doing or Your allowing is of no consequence. I don't care WHY you gave her to me almost 12 years ago. I want to know WHY after over a decade you would take her from me after I went to hell and back time and time again to save her life because that's what I thought you wanted. And I don't want another human being to say "Oh this is so selfish of you Danielle, it isn't up to you to save her life." NO, it was. That was the job YOU gave me as HER MOTHER.

I don't want to hear that You felt that my job as her Mother was over because HOW DARE YOU tell a Mother her job is done. I don't want to hear that You have something better planned for me because HOW IN ALL OF YOUR CREATION could my life be better without her in it anymore?

None of the normal "make someone feel betters" are going to work this time.

How could you think that this in any way would make me have more faith in you? If so, that's a sick joke. Just as you watched your Son die, I watched the flesh I loved and nurtured die. Do you want me to feel as You did? Again, cruel joke. Doesn't sound like a loving and merciful God to me.

You know, I believe in You. And I believe Your Son died for my sins. And many of the other believers of You in this world right now are thinking "This lady is being sinful". Maybe I am. Do I care? No. My daughter is dead. I'd happily join her.

I write this God because You need a wake up call. I'm not one to believe that only by myself going to church every Sunday will talk to me. No I know what you want - a relationship. Well we have one don't we? Remember when You told me to get Alex's GTube? I listened. Now it's time you listened to me.

Why? Why would you allow her to go through all she did, only to have her die at the cusp of the most important part of her life? She told my Mom she knew she was dying. She didn't want to. She was mad at you. I'm mad at you. I hope she gave you a good smacking around when she got up there.

I think I feel a little like Your Son in the Garden of Gethsemane. Here I am questioning You, just like Your Son did. Why? Isn't there another way? I mean if you are all knowing, all seeing, all everything, why not just fix it? And don't tell me Your working on that. I've already had to live 5 months without her.

A long time ago someone once said to me "Man's greatest sin is his unwillingness to question". I don't know if that is true or not - but I'm going to question anyways.

God - I hope you realize there is no "getting over" this. I will never get over this. All the love, money, time, happiness, joy - could NEVER fill the hole.

I don't want to hear that You did this so I could reach others for Your gain. Oh my gosh, again with the cruelness. How could you allow that? I mean really?

You see God - all the questions I have listed out here for you have answers - answers created by human beings. And no human being could ever give the CORRECT answers for these questions. Only You can. Which is why I don't want to hear words of wisdom from human beings. I want it straight from the horses mouth.

I think you need to start telling humanity that life is suffering. Life is full of total crapola. People will bury their children. Horrible things will happen. You need to tell human beings to stop telling each other to "Be happy" or "Have faith" and explain to Your greatest creation that we need to learn to sit in the darkness with one another.

When you took Alexandra back from me, You did not have something better for me behind Your back. How could anything be better than my child? This again is another one of Your Greatest Creations ignorant ideas about Your reasons for the things that happen in this life.

So God - You need to start talking. I'm actively listening. Maybe ride in the passenger seat with me again like you did that one time. Or better yet just send Your Son back and let this all be over. Let me be with my baby again.

Sincerely,
Danielle

Two Months

It's been 2 months since she died. This is what I've learned so far -
1) It is totally ok to break down for 15 minutes - I mean sobbing, wailing, crying - and then go back to grading papers, making dinner or doing laundry.
 2) While you are still sitting in grief - life has moved on - for most of the people around you. It doesn't mean they don't care - but life is for the living - and well, it's usually a good thing when people who are still alive keep living life. 3) A LOT of people will NEVER understand the pain you feel, some will admit that - and you'll appreciate that. Some people won't admit it - and well don't worry about them anyways.
4) Some people will ignore or not even ask about how you are anymore - cause your truth scares the hell out of them. Forgive them. Fear makes people do horrific things - think of all the horrible things human beings do to each other every day. Forgive them for avoidance is what we teach people nowadays.
5) Some people will gladly sit with you in your grief. They'll say your child's name. Others will avoid it like the plague. AGAIN - forgive them. 6) You will spend most days in a haze of sadness, weird intense joy, and then wanting to die. It's normal. Your kid died. And somehow we have to keep living....(more on this later)
7) You'll be scared to live. Like really - you'll be scared to enjoy yourself. That's normal too. But it is important to enjoy yourself. So try and do it.
Today I sat in silence and stared at the blue sky. I listened to birds chirping and the wind whipping through trees. And in that wind, she was there. And I said "Hi Alex!" Butterflies danced before me. This is the thought that went through my mind - "You can't die. You have to go on living. You've got more to do. You have to live while you can. That's what she did." And then all at once I felt peace. And the anger still comes. It does. But now I weep for the memory. For the loss of her touch, her need of me.

But life moves on.